Retirement Employment Application

Retirement Employment Application

Name__________________    Date ______________

Address___________________________________

Email_______  Twitter_______  Fritter ______ Facebook______

Facelift_____    Website______    Eyesight __________

What job title(s) are you seeking to avoid?

Talk a little about your career goals. Specifically tell us how you plan to drive your spouse insane.

Tell us a little about your education, e.g., in what century did you graduate from high school? List the colleges and universities you have been kicked out of without earning anything except opprobrium.

What kinds of skills can you bring to this job?

            Are you proficient with pruners? How about prunes?

Can you type and rock in your chair at the same time?

(How many words per beat?)

Are you up with the times concerning grandchildren’s rights? Spoiling is the only action allowed for the holy terrors. Discipline is now banned.  

If necessary, can you fill us in on Judge Judy’s latest verdicts?

Employment History. On the back of this sheet, please list your former employers and the institutions they now reside in. If they have phone privileges, please include those. We would like to ask them questions such as, did you ever show up to work on time, even once? Were there any witnesses who could attest to the fact that you actually did any work there?

Flexibility. If we hire you, we want to know about your on-the-job flexibility:

Would you be willing to be on this job weekends and holidays?

Will you be willing to share the remote control once a month for half an hour?

Are 360 unpaid holidays sufficient for to fuel your inertia?

(Five flex days are reserved for the mother-in-law’s plans)

Would you be willing to relocate? 

If so, list the RV and trailer parks that have not yet banned you.

Background Check. Anyone who qualifies for this job must undergo a background check. Answer these questions and your willingness to participate in our program.

Have you ever been convicted of actually working on any job? If so, what were the circumstances (e.g., my boss was standing over my shoulder with dismissal papers and a dismal dirty look at me, etc.).

If we fingerprint you, will the results come up under “species unknown”?

Again, can we contact your former employers and discreetly ask them what kinds of psychiatric evaluations they had to go through after your tenure as their employee? About their meds?

Drug and Alcohol Testing is mandatory for this position. If hired, we will take you to Harry’s Bar in downtown Pismo Beach. There you will be asked to evaluate the air for signs of marijuana and other types of smoke. In addition, we will test your ability to hold your alcohol over 8 hours with a minimum of 2 drinks per hour with wild dancing in between. Your final test will be to remain standing while calling a taxi, and making up three good excuses for your disgusting behavior to your spouse.

Finally, we want to know if YOU CAN PASS OUR vision TEST.

If there are any other reasons you feel you qualify for our position as a retiree, which is mainly a supine position, add anything you would like below.

In honor of Ralph Sutter